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When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you. Favorite Jokes contributed by Robert Conselman of Campbell's Soup

 

Here are a few of my favorite jokes.  Humor is very important to have in your life, and everyone needs a good daily laugh.  As I get older and begin to move from middle age to elderly, I laugh at myself more and more, so these jokes are not discriminatory.

 

1.       An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 50 years, and they were still very clearly in love.  While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'  The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'I forgot her name about ten years ago.'

2.       A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis."

3.       Herman, a senior citizen, was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 95. Please be careful!" --- "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

4.       An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught." 

5.       During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."  "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."  "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

6.       Outsourcing -  I was so depressed last night I called Suicide Hotline.  Then I find out that even that has been outsourced to a call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal.  They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

7.       I saw a woman walking down the street the other day wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" printed on it.  So I said, "Implants?" and she hit me.

8.       I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothes.  If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

9.       This last one I feel is very profound, so think about it...One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so, it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.  He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.  Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovels full later, he quieted down completely. The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt.  As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors!  Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone.  We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!  Remember the five simple rules to be happy:  Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less. Finally, the donkey walked over and kicked the living crap out of the farmer that tried to bury him. Which brings us to the other moral of this story:  When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you.

 

I hope you learned and laughed, just as I did.  Thank you for visiting my site. If you like this story then you should read the other stories.

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