Why does our government think we are a bunch of morons?         September 4 2011

Back when I grew up we had 2 prongs on our electrical plugs. Somewhere somehow down the line, they added a round prong. My old shack only had outlets with 2 prongs, so I had to take a wire cutter and cut the round one off. Then daddy told me that I should get 3-way adaptors. So I got at least 30 of them. I lost them all in a couple of weeks and had to get the wire cutters out again.

Now in all their infinite wisdom, they came out with one prong larger than the other. I am getting old and the Author ritus is kicking in. I have trouble using my wrist and fingers at times. I am almost blind without my glasses. If I unplug the lamp to plug something else in, then it is dark. I have to feel around to even find the receptacle, much less find the larger prong and find out where the round one is. It is like a shot in the dark.

I have been married 9 times and each of the 9 wives had small children. I bet I have purchased enough child proof plastic electrical outlet caps to fill up a battle ship. I was stationed in England in the Air Force for 3 years. All of the electrical outlets in England are at eye level, so small children can’t reach them. Why is it that all American outlets are blocked by furniture? I have to move the bed or the chest of drawers to plug something in. I stay in a lot of motels, Motel 6. 7, Motel 8, and 10. They would leave the light on, but all the bulbs are burnt out. All of the electrical outlets in motels are behind the bed. I have to get on my knees and pull the matrices out to plug something in. Why do they always put an outlet next to the sink? My coffee pot fell into the sink and nearly killed me. There are never enough outlets in motels to plug in all of my junk like the computer, the cell phone charger, the camera charger, and my coffee pot. Half the lamps are missing light bulbs. Daddy said the first person he saw die during World War 2 was a Marine standing barefoot to change the light bulb in the latrine. Did you know it is hard to change a light bulb if the glass is broken? The easiest way is to push a potato or an apple into the socket. I found out the hard way, don’t use wire pliers in case the switch is on. My teeth are still rattling.

I have a pet peeve about seat belts. We did not have seat belts when I grew up. My jeep did not even have doors. I am too dogone fat to use a seat belt. I always open the door to get out when the cops pull me over, so they want know I am not wearing the seat belt. The other day I was conducting a smoke school in Shreveport Louisiana on Mooringsport Road out there in the country. I was about an hour late, because I did not hear the alarm clock go off or hear the hotel office call in my wake up call. Good thing I own the company or I would fire me. I have been near deaf for more than 20 years. It is getting worser, because I just recently purchased a hot tub for the back porch. I like to lay down in there and soak up to my ears, because it feels great on my upper back and neck. That first couple of nights when I lay down to sleep, the plague of locusts always singing and roaring in my deaf ears was even louder. This would mean that I was exposed to loud noise. Well shezam,  I am not giving up my hot tub, so I put on some ear protector muffs in there.

Anywho I was late. I had just stopped to get the donuts and ice for the school that Jason and Pete were conducting without me. I remembered to slow down in the school zone. I was doing like I always do when I drive, either praying, singing, or daydreaming. I did not see the cop deputy sheriff parked in the closed down gas station. He came up behind me. I spotted him in the mirror. He followed me for a while and then turned on the blue lights, they sure were pretty and the siren woke me up.

There was not anywhere to pull over on the narrow road, so I continued on down the road until I saw a dirt road on the left. I pulled over and he pulled up behind me. I quickly opened to door and got out, so he would not know I was not wearing the seat belt. I threw my Winston out on the grass. He said to pick it up. So I did. As always (I average getting stopped about 40 times a month) he asked me if I knew why he stopped me. I thought about the school zone and hoped that I had slowed down and not ran over any kids or school buses like before. Oldtimers is kicking in. At least I can hide my own Easter eggs. Then he said that I rolled through the stop sign at the caution light and that I had crossed the yellow line 13 times. I said give me a break. I was eating a McDonald’s sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit and a doughnut, and drinking a cup of coffee and a glass of milk. I am multitalented; I was chewing gum and driving at the same time. I was also talking on the cell phone, texting my 9th wife, and surfing the internet.

He asked me if I had been drinking. I said yes, a cup of coffee and a glass of milk. He asked if I had any drunk driving or outstanding traffic tickets. I said not lately. Then he asked if I had any outstanding warrants. I figured he would have run my license plate by now and he should know this. It is very dangerous for cops to stop someone without running a check. There are idiots and criminals out there who would rather shoot a cop than go back to jail. I told him that I was not wanted by the law, not lately anyway. He asked when the last time I was in trouble. I said I had not been in trouble in at least 50 years.

Seems like every time I turn around, some politician wants to take my guns. I must have 200 old broken down shotguns and rifles. My favorite is the old rusty twice barrel 12 gauge Betsy, I found at the Bonnie and Clyde Flea market in Arcadia. I can't remember going through any gun control background check on that one. When they outlaw guns, only the outlaws will have guns. They can pry my shotgun out of my dead fingers. After the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor on Dec 7, 1941 they could have continued on to California and captured Washington DC in a few months. We were not ready for war. Their generals decided not to invade California because we were and are the most armed nation on earth. There must be 10,000 deer hunter rednecks in Wisconsin alone and about twice as many here in Louisiana.   Our enemies both foreign and domestic want to disarm us hunters and target practicers. We have the right to bare arms and sometimes this prevents the government from taking over in a coop devils. Don't you know we have the best politicians money can buy.

And that is the way it is here in Lake Whitlowbegone, where all the women are beautiful, the men are perfect, and all the children are above average.

 

If you enjoyed this fish tale, then you will love my novel about my childhood fishing tales.

Please email me your thoughts about this web page.smokeschool@yahoo.com

more smoke school stories

It ain't over until the fat cat sings