Testosterone, Talking Vans, Jury Duty, 3 Dog Night

Testosterone, Talking Vans, Jury Duty, 3 Dog Night Clear eyes full heart August 2, 2011

Another story from Uncle George, still searching for all the right answers to life's persistent questions.

I saw my good friend Boudreaux the other day and he had a black eye. I axed him how it happened and he said that he said something bad about the Pope. I say Boudreaux, don’t you know Marie is Catholic. I know said Boudreaux, but I did not know the Pope was.

I have been diagnosed with low Testosterone. I can’t say it or spell it, but I saw a commercial and I got all the symptoms and a few others. The most peculiar symptom was hair growing on the bottom of my feet, but not on my head. Who would a thunk it? DR Dollar said I may have had this for many moons and could explain the Groucho Marks in me and the 9 wife’s. He said my whatucallit may triple in size. I may have to get new underwear. Angie will have a conniption fit. I have 2 drawers full now. In fact they are so full that I can’t get them closed. I even have 6 pair of spandex, but I can’t breathe when I wear them. When you live out of your suitcase sometimes it is easier to stop at Walmart than wash clothes. I should pack them all up and donate to Salvation Army. I got boxes and boxes of clothes out in the red barn. Anyone wear XXL shirts and size 42 pants? DR Dollar said this Testosterone treatment that I rub under my armpit could improve our sex life. I hope so. I accidentally dropped a Viagra pill in my hummingbird feeder. The next time I saw those hummingbirds they were chasing a helicopter.

Sweet Angie don’t think I should share my personal information on the internet. She is probably right and about half of you will block me and quit coming to smoke school. But I am what I am. Now I have an excuse. It’s the Testosterone or the lack of it. But I can honestly say that I have been to some lousy smoke schools where I could not pass. I believe in old fashioned friendly and personal customer service. I hire a professional staff to make up for my oddballness. I learned it from Mark Twain, Jerry Clower, Dizzy Dean, and Norman Rockwell. The purpose of these emails is stress release and comedy relief. I am writing this for you and for me. This is my diary, my life. A lot of people have told me to get a life. Well I got one, such as it is, but it is my life. I hope I am on the right track of where Jesus has planned, but I may have gotten lost. Please just take these emails with a grain of salt. 3,000 of you get these monthly emails. Some of you are security, some operate the critical machinery, some have master’s degrees and are EHS, some are plant managers, and some own the company. My daddy always said we are all the same; we put our pants on one leg at a time. Don’t take life so seriously all of the time. Too much can and will go wrong, it is Murphy’s Law.

DR Dollar said that 50% of males over 40 with diabetes also have Testosterone problems and there is some belief that Testosterone may cause diabetes. I got the information below from Google. If you have these symptoms, you should ask your doctor for a simple blood test.

Testosterone is a hormone made by your body and is responsible for the normal growth and development of the male sex organs and for maintenance of other sexual characteristics. In men, testosterone is produced in the testes, the reproductive glands that also produce sperm. The amount of testosterone produced by the testes is regulated by the hypothalamus and the pituitary gland. Some effects of testosterone may include:

· Growth and maturation of prostate, and other male sex organs

· Development of male hair distribution such as facial hair or on the bottom of your feet but not your head

· Changes in body muscle mass and strength and fat distribution- oh my I may be able to stop wearing my girdle.

· Sex drive and sexual function- watch out Viagra

· Mood and energy level- watch it buster

· Bone strength

· Anxiety, confusion and grouchiness- I added this one.

This testosterone also makes your gonads get larger. I was visiting an older friend in the Shreveport VA Hospital the other night. We was walking in the hallway with his IV and walker. I noticed his gonads hanging out under his pajama legs. I slipped up behind them and tried to pull his pants legs over them. All of a sudden, he started gasping for breath. He tried to say something but he could not talk, because he had a tube in his nose. Suddenly he just collapsed on the chair and took out his note pad. He wrote a note and suddenly, just like that he stopped breathing and expired, died right there in front of me in that chair in the hall. I prized the note out of his hand and read it. It was his last words. "You are standing on my oxygen hose you dumb ass!" Unfortunately mine are much larger than I am accustomed to. Once in a while they get tangled between the commode lid and the seat and hurts really bad when I sit on them. Just one of the things you have to look forward to with old age.

3 dog night

The other morning I woke up & went through my daily routine. I ground some coffee beans and brewed myself a nice pot of Community Coffee. Then I stepped out on the front porch to listen to my rooster crow, the ducks quack, and the turkey’s gobble- They were all mine built up over the years. I intended to drink a cup, and have a Winston. We live out in the woods you see, the woman the kids and the dogs and me. The neighbor’s dog again had managed to get through my beefed up fence and was eating my dog food by the door. Then I looked to my field on my right and saw a dead chicken. Two other neighbors’ dogs were chasing my geese and ducks. They had killed all the rest of my 10 chickens earlier this week. I reached into the closet and took out my double barrel 12 gauge and a few number 6 shot. I have never cared for killing dogs, I have 2 dogs myself. But I have warned the neighbors many times and they just look at me like there is nothing I can do. I load the shotgun, pull the hammer back, and take aim. Rats, I could not shoot them.

I unload the gun and put it against the wall by the front door. Walk through the gate, pick up my dead chicken. The dogs run. I follow them and catch them and put them in the van. Then go back to the front yard and catch the one eating my dog food. I drive them 2 miles down to the end of our road; make a left on the highway and drive another 5 miles. I go past the last a large cutover and the last house. Then I notice a hunting camp road with a gate on the right. I park in front of the gate and let the dogs out. I closed the back doors, back out and hit the road. End of story. When I looked in the rearview mirror they were walking the opposite direction. End of story- not quiet.

I spend most of the morning shopping for electrical stuff for a hot tub to be delivered Wednesday. I come home tired and take a nap. When I wake up to pour some more coffee, the neighbors kids were in the house asking me if I hauled off their dogs. I said I did haul them off and if they ever came back I would shoot them. Then tonight after dark a car pulls down the road at the top if the hill with a spotlight searching our yard. They head over down the neighbor’s driveway. I see it is the Sherriff Dept. I figured sooner or later they would come over, so I put the shotgun and the shells back into the closet. I am drinking a sweet tea when they drive up. By now 3 squad cars were patrolling the neighborhood. We must have a low crime rate in West Ouachita Parish.

The deputy was a nice real young polite man. I looked down and saw the Glock. My retriever Annie did not like the man parking next to the gate. She would have ate him if I had not asked her to sit. The deputy asked me point blank if I had hauled off the dogs. I explained about the fence, the dog food, and all of the 21 dead chickens. I told him that I was at the end of my rope and that I had taken aim on the dogs with my shotgun, but could not kill them. I admit that I am the dog-naper and if they found their way back into my yard that I would kill them. He said he understood and explained the lease law in the Parish. The story should have ended now, but it did not. Angie and Aaron were concerned that maybe the neighbors would kill our cats. So I packed up Aaron and Billy Bob Caldwell and drove to the scene of the crime to try to find the dogs. I did not look too hard. I know their love for other people’s dog food. I also know there are other crazy rednecks out here like me that shoot first and ask questions later. Maybe tomorrow if they ask, I will tell them where to go look. End of story- I hope so.

Not quite yet. The neighbor got a $50 fine for violating the lease law. So now I guess I will bother the sheriff office when the dogs come over. The deputy did say it was election year. This dog thing could get out of hand like the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. My other brother Joe said some guy road into our back yard on a 4 wheeler while I was out searching for the dogs. He toted an AK 47 and was looking for the dog-napper. Update I was out drinking coffee this morning and they are back---- All of them. Guess I better pick up the phone and call the sheriff. It is election year after all. Update- the dog catcher just left. Unfortunately so had the dogs.

Jury Duty

I am fortunate enough to be chosen to appear for jury duty Aug 8. I have been busy and out of town so I missed all the phone calls from the Deputy. She pulled up in the front yard. I saw the police car and figured it was about the dog-napping. She handed me this sopranos (where is spell check when you need it.) I told Lloyd about the jury duty last week explaining that I may miss the important Texas smoke schools, which have been rescheduled for a later date. Lloyd made the comment, “How would you like to be judged by a jury that could not get out of jury duty.” That got me thinking. So I wrote the following letter to the clerk of court:

Please permanently remove me from Jury Duty for medical reasons. I am 63 years old and have suffered the consequences of diabetes for at least 10 years now. I have been putting off surgery for an enlarged prostrate for over a year because I do not want to be reamed out. I have rescheduled the surgery for the 3^rd time because I have to pee every 20 minutes and I can’t hold it. I don’t want to start wearing diapers in court. The smell of urine would distract some jurors. I have had a chronic sciatic nerve problem with severe pain shooting down my left hip and leg if I sit in a chair or in the vehicle longer than 30 minutes without standing up, stretching, or walking. I was just diagnosed with low testosterone which I suspect that I have had for years. At times it affects my ability to concentrate and make decisions. I am subject to temper tantrums and outbursts without warning. Last but not least, I am a disabled Vietnam Vet with a hearing loss. My $5,000 hearing aids are broken because they fell in the toilet. I can’t wear them anyway because they gave me a severe ear infection, my left ear is swollen shut. I am not sure the judge would appreciate my “What did he say!” I have put this letter off, because part of me wants to know what it is like to be on a jury. But I am afraid that I would make a lousy jurist. I am a businessman and I would like to keep this information confidential. You have my permission to talk to my urologist DR Robert Marx, 318-829-8464 and my family doctor DR Mark Dollar, 318-322-0058. Please call me if you have any questions. AMEN Brother. So now I am telling 3,000 people on email. Don’t make any sense do it.

I purchased a new Ford Express Passenger Van for smoke school travel in comfort. It has a V 10 gas engine with lots of power for pulling the 8,000 pound smoke school machine trailer. Betsey gets a whopping 9 miles per gallon. I have 3 back seats and we drove straight through round trip from here to Indiana for the 4^th of July. My other brother Joe slept lying down in one back seat while Aaron, Billy Bob and AJ slept in the other back seat, and Sweet Angie slept in the other front seat. Betsy has voice activated GPS, Sirius satellite radio, and voice activated cell phone use. Talk to God on the cell phone and get to know him. Text and get to meet him. I need to train Betsy to southern dialect, because every time I say call the office, I get Saint Paul on the phone. The other day some crazy idiot ran me off the road. I said you crazy idiot and Rush Limbaugh came on the radio. I said Lord help me Jesus and John Mellencamp started singing on the jukebox “Hey Jesus can you give me a ride back home.” I have been feeling a little overwhelmed about things going on in my life and the world, so I listed to the song 3 times. I try to avoid watching the news; the world is in a jamb. Jesus please come soon.

Betsy’s voice is a commanding female English Cockney. I push a button on the steering wheel and just like magic there Betsy is. “Master your voice is my command.” Betsy reminds me of my 2^nd wife or is it the 5^th. Her name was Marie and we met at the USO Club Dance at RAF Alconbury England UK (United Kingdom Kentucky Fans). Marie was the one who received the miracle cure for terminal cancer. The kids get a kick out of me arguing with Betsy. I say phone and she says home. I say ET phone home.

I will be happy for you make suggestions on improving our smoke school. Let me know if you have a plant with a picnic shelter and meeting room. That’s about it on the shores of Lake Whitlowbegone, where all the women are good looking, all the men are sharp, and all the children are above a C average. Be well. Do Good Work, keep the faith, let the force be with you and stay in touch.

Hey Jesus can you give me a ride back home. Words and music by Johnny Cougar know now as John Meloncamp

Hey Jesus can you give me a ride back home
I've been out here in this world too long on my own
I won't bother you no more
If you can just get me in the door
Hey Jesus can you give me a ride back home

When I started out I was so young and so strong
I just let it roll off my back when things went wrong
Now it's starting to get to me
All of this inhumanity
Hey Jesus can you give me a ride back home

You wouldn't know it by looking at me now
But I was showing some promise once upon a time
But it's gone now
And it ain't coming back
My time's come and gone
It's as simple as that

Hey Jesus this world is just too troublesome for me
I try to fight off all these devils but I'm just too weak
When I'm out here walking all alone
I feel like taking my life but I won't
Too big a coward, can you give me a ride back home
Hey Jesus can you give me a ride back home
Hey Jesus can you give me a ride back home